Frank Body Coffee Scrub

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I can’t be the only person that sometimes finds washing myself literally the most boring thing I can think of.

I’m going through a phase at the moment, and one I wouldn’t recommend. That looking at the shower and thinking ‘oh no’. Thinking ‘I haven’t got time for this’. Considering the washing not in terms of the washing itself, but of the 90 minutes or so following (yeah, sorry, it does take me ages to get ready and I’m single so can take as much time as I damn want) where my hair seems to retain moisture no matter how hard I blow dry it.

In such situations, there’s only one thing for it. A treat to tempt myself to the water. Like a lovely Siren singing her song to me; a passing sailor. Or like Mickey Mouse in ‘The Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ where I’m one of the sinister brooms. I just realised both of those stories end badly for me. No wonder I don’t wash myself.

But what to choose? Well, I absolutely love the pleasure/pain experience that only exfoliator can bring, and I also love a flat white. I’d been eyeing up this Frank scrub for ages, for no real reason other than it comes in millennial pink packaging which in case you hadn’t noticed is my kryptonite. Not too sure about the ‘Guess what? You’ll be naked in one minute’ quote on the front. It’s like……..will I? It’s quite hard to detect a tone from that. ‘One minute’ is terrifically specific. And it feels like quite a strong come on when you’re standing minding your own business in the middle of Liberty’s.

That aside, this is a very nice product. It’s simple, grainy and really rough. There is a menthol version, which I naturally steered clear of lest I fancied a burning vagina that reeks of polos. I will never understand menthol shower products for that reason.

Using Frank scrub is akin to dumping the dregs of a cafetière in your bath (or walk in shower, if you’re posh), because that’s pretty much exactly what you’re doing. I feel almost positive that, given the faff of cleaning an americano off your enamelled surfaces afterwards, this is one that Claire would pop happily onto the ‘not worth it under any circumstances’ pile.

But not me, I like it. It makes my skin very soft and oily and I don’t mind the mess - in fact, there’s an impish destructiveness about getting dirtier before you get clean that makes me feel mischievous and a bit…..naughty. Like wearing a grey face mask, or having sex in the shower. I’ve gotten carried away there, this coffee scrub is nothing like having sex in the shower. But it is dirty, and you want it.

A fun way to liven up a wash, for all the mucky cows like me.

Frank Body Scrub,

£12.95 for 200g

cultbeauty.co.uk

Rebecca Humphries