Function of Beauty


Haircuts are up there with ‘being a plus one to an event’ and ‘getting the cat in his carrier’ as one of the most anxiety inducing experiences I can think of. It always goes thus: I spend a vomit inducing amount of money for something I always hate, the hate for which is then quickly outweighed by the hate for myself for not being able to say anything other than “OMG I LOVE it thank you, thank you SO MUCH!’ and then I tip them and finally I go somewhere quiet and cry.

BUT. I stand before you (sitting on the sofa behind a laptop eating hobnobs) as living proof that a few luxe hair products can put this nightmare experience off for months. Few things are more disgustingly satisfying than being a a fully paid up member of good hair club - others include Kate Middleton, the Disney Princesses and loads of lovely horses (imagine the AGMs! The Royal gossip! The singing! The sugar lumps!).

I had wanted to get my greasy hands on New York based brand Function of Beauty since I first found out about them in 2017 and their concept, branding and website made this little pony so happy her eyes practically rolled into the back of her head. For those who don’t know, the idea is you go through their website answering questions a la one of those annoying* facebook quizzes like ‘if you were a cheese what would you be?’**. It asks you what you’re looking for, what you want it to smell like and what COLOUR YOU’D LIKE IT TO BE TO MATCH YOUR BATHROOM (DOES A BIG NEIGH, REARS ON TO HIND LEGS). It’s basically made for control freaks, which if you’re spending £50 on shampoo and conditioner I’m sorry but you absolutely are but hey it’s cool so am I.

I told the website about my split ends, my frizz struggles, my need for deep, deep conditioning and I told it my name so it could be put on the bottle.

And suddenly, there they were. A massive shampoo and conditioner (better value than I thought), all the way from New York City. Millennial pink (in a nod to my Disney peers), peach smelling and emblazoned with my name - ‘Princess R’. That’s right.

So far so gimmicky. Does it work and is it worth it?

It’s tough to be anything other than totally earnest about this. Disney Princess like, if you will. Imagine me saying the following in cheery but wistful sing song American tones:

‘Oh, it’s wonderful! All natural, no cruelty to my animal friends (Function of Beauty are a vegan company), it granted all my wishes and hearts desires and I swear down babes actually made my hair healthier innit.’

I trotted around central London like a thoroughbred blue ribbon winner for weeks. I have not had my hair cut for a year and a half, and it still looks like it does below in this picture I’ve entitled ‘Who’s the smuggest of them all'?’. Function of Beauty played a massive part in that (does horsey whinny, tosses mane, gallops off).



**Gruyere: fierce, smells great, and the natural ally of crusty bread.

Rebecca Humphries