Crème de La Mer



Birds do it,

bees do it,

Judi Dench apparentlyyyyy do it…..

And J-Lo. And Victoria Beckham AND – Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

A couple of years ago I went through a phase of spending loads of money on booze and getting no sleep while at the same time bemoaning the grey puffy crypt-keeper mask that had replaced my face. Rather than cut down and rescue my visage and health, I opted instead to jetè into my overdraft & become at one with celebs and posh old biddies the world over; by leaving it to Crème De La Mer.

For a product ho, Crème De La Mer is more than a purchase – it’s an experience. Something about the concession stand in any local House Of Fraser / John Lewis / wherevs feels undisturbed, tranquil…..a safe space.

But look a little closer.

On reflection the poor old luxury fish are meandering dead eyed around their plasma screen tank, the soft blue lighting carefully chosen to make them…..more attractive? Weird and depressing. If Clare Danes & Leo DiCaprio had spied each other through a Crème De La Mer fish tank, it’s hard to imagine the encounter being quite so horny.

Not only that, those people in white coats aren’t scientists at all. They’re department store employees who have to wear a white coat because Crème de la Mer want you to feel intimidated. See also ‘Kiehls’.

And perhaps most significantly that feeling of being in an exclusive private spa is because every other person is sane and knows this product is, at the end of the day, just a bit of cream sold for over a hundred quid and steer clear. It’s not even that great to be totally honest. It’s a good moisturiser that has a nice silky consistency but so are loads of them. Though maybe I’ll see the effects of my three months usage when I’m in my sixties still looking like I do now.

The best bit about it, unquestionably, is owning it. Being the subject of envy, being at one with the beautiful people like The Rock. It strikes me that it would be a great luxury gift for, say, a beauty fan mum or nan as they’d have heard of it and it’s certainly nice and makes them feel all celeb-y. Like a lunch at the Ivy would have done before they started popping up everywhere (there’s now one in Norwich).

But for you it’s so not worth it.

Get in the mer.

Rebecca Humphries