The 3 Minute Face
I wish I could get up earlier. I’ve tried. Sometimes I’ve even managed, and of course it’s been blissful. I smugly savour my coffee and promise myself it will always be like this, but it’s a promise I never keep for long. Soon I am back to my adolescent ways, hitting snooze, lying in bed blearily scrolling through my phone instead of, y’know, washing - causing me to leave the house like Taz of Tasmania shouting ‘FUCKSSAKE!’ at everything and everyone.
I therefore often need to do my makeup in under five minutes. Ideally in under three. And please don't suggest I do it on the tube as I take the cattle train into central London and therefore there is barely room for my apologetic folded up body, let alone a foot of personal space to whip out a makeup bag. No comrades, this needs to happen at home. Here’s what I do to leave the house looking perfectly acceptable (mostly).
I bought one of those instagram advertised drawstring makeup bags and actually, it’s genius. With zero time for scrambling around looking for stuff, this brilliant lays it all out for you, and scoops it back up when you’re done. Yes, it is a bit like a butthole. You can get them off Ebay or Amazon v cheap. Here’s one:
No time for brushes, I must be able to put it on with my fingers like a toddler smearing jam on itself. The Ordinary Serum Foundation works for this, but I’ve spoken about that before. What I’ve been using lately is this stuff: There is an appallingly pallid choice of shades, but the formula is brilliant and you can absolutely just wang it all on without a brush or a sponge. Sort your life out Boots, and get it out in more colours.
Boots HydraLuminous Moisturising Foundation, £15
I then use a wand concealer that will do both my undereyes and any red bits. I love Collection (formerly 2000) lasting perfection. Smear in lightly with ring finger. Glance at clock. Deep breaths, nearly there.
Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer, £4.19
NOW WASH YOUR HANDS - Nothing will slow you down more than having to change your top because you smeared it with foundation.
Since I look like a space hopper without blush I then put on some Daniel Sandler liquid cheek colour in Chelsea (£16) with this stippling brush. If you look normal without blush then feel free to skip.
Real Techniques Stippling brush, £11.99
Daniel Sandler Watercolour Liquid Blush, £16.50
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you follow any whimsical desire to apply liquid eyeliner. It can sense urgency and you WILL smudge it.
This is excellent however, and you can do liner, shade and socket with it quick quick. You need a dull colour, like this hearing aid beige, do not be tempted by greens, blues or purples, you will look like Grayson Perry.
Chanel Stylo Ombre et Contour in ‘Clair’, £25
Follow with a coat of mascara on your top lashes only - top and bottom will smudge and send you into a tailspin of despair.
Now is not the time for HD brows, or pissing about with brushes and powders. You need a mousse or a gel type product with it’s own spoolie applicator. I’ve been using this and it’s good - like a cheaper boy brow (not hard is it Glossier!?)
L’Oreal Brow Artist Brow Plumper (lol), £6.99
NOW LEAVE THE HOUSE
But what about lips, Claire? You do them later. I carry about 40 tubes of lipstick in my bag for this reason. If you do them now it’ll all come off on your toothbrush, then your coffee cup, and be all over your face by the time you clock in at work, so just do it later.
So there you have it. 3 minute face. Enjoy your punctual arrival, and the pastry you will have time to buy on the way.