Forget Nicki & Cardi, Britney & Christina, Bette and Joan. Your 2019 battle of the broads has gone and gotten queeny.
There was only one topic on everyone’s lips in the provinces this Christmas- that of an epic, monumental, unsubstantiated but UNDENIABLE rift between the houses of Middleton and Markle; the latter having swapped a pithy supporting part in ‘Suits’ on Netflix to play what I can only assume to be the more challenging role of a supervillain in’ The Royals’ on…..the News (other stars have included Wallace Simpson and Fergie Duchess of Fabulous).
If the patriarchy/tabloids have taught us anything it’s that it’s very important to have very strong opinions on the matter, pick a damn side (if you’re unsure, it’s acceptable to base it on wedding dress preference) and ensure you back yourself up using media penned euphemisms to avoid the actual glaring issue.
So, whether you’re team ‘Classic English Rose’ (*rolls eyes*), or team ‘Breath of Fresh Air’ (*raises eyebrow*), the Trowel is on hand to help with products fit for your preferred Princess.
There’s absolutely every chance I will be sent to prison for this.
MIDDLETON: ELEMIS PRO COLLAGEN ROSE CLEANSING BALM, £48
A balm is a delicious thing to smear all over your face, and ‘Elemis’ is synonymous with the people’s day spas. What we have on our hands (face) is a luxury crowd pleaser and if that’s not Kate Middleton I don’t know what is.
MARKLE: DRUNK ELEPHANT JUJU BAR, £24
Drunk Elephant are a fabulous new brand that your nan will never ever accept because it’s too ‘modern’. It’s an accident that it’s exactly half the price as the Elemis but twice as cool. (Drunk Elephant JuJu Bar also sounds like the sort of place I fantasise The Mail papping Harry & Meghan stumbling out of)
MIDDLETON: CLINIQUE NATURALLY GLOSSY MASCARA IN ‘JET BROWN’, £19.50
Natural, like the look you sport for the press 40 mins after giving birth to the future King,
Glossy, like the coat of a thoroughbred filly tearing through the meadows after foxes.
There’s something adorably deluded about ‘jet brown’ though isn’t there?
This product is also available at Boots concessions because as we all know Kate looooooooooves the high street just like you do! #approachable
MARKLE: NARS ‘CLIMAX’ MASCARA IN EXPLICIT BLACK, £21
I don’t need to explain this, it’s all in the name. #approachablemyass
MIDDLETON: ORIBE APRE BEACH WAVE & SHINE SPRAY, £36
Say what you like about her, this chick has chestnut shine for days and a swish & bounce that simply screams ‘because one’s worth it’. Like Kate I too am a hardcore believer in Pony Club hair, and if you’re interested in becoming a member you’re going to need this amazing product that I use before every event and on days where I want to feel very expensive for no particular reason.
MARKLE: IGK GOOD BEHAVIOUR SPIRULINA PROTEIN SMOOTHING SPRAY, £27
Spirulina in a hair spray is the most LA thing I’ve ever seen and I love to think that’s what Camilla whispered to Charles about Meghan when Harry rocked up with her for the first time, before taking a massive drag of a B&H.
MIDDLETON: SISLEY BLACK ROSE PRECIOUS FACIAL OIL, £150.50
It’s classic, it’s expensive, it does a beautiful job and doesn’t cause any problems for anyone.
Unrelated: Quite why they’ve added the extra 50p to something already this extortionate is anybody’s guess but I enjoy the unexpected ‘Del Boy’ roguishness of it all.
MARKLE: RODIAL SNAKE BOOSTER OIL, £70
For the snake among the lizards.
MIDDLETON: CHARLOTTE TILBURY LUXURY PALETTE IN ‘THE SOPHISTICATE’, £39
I wouldn’t be surprised if Kate actually uses this. Her eye make up is on point.
MARKLE: MAC ‘POWER HUNGRY’, £32
So what we have here is basically two extremely similar palettes with veeeeery different branding.
I think one of my Aunts genuinely described Markle as this at our Boxing Day lunch.
MIDDLETON: EMMA HARDIE MONINGA RENEWAL TREATMENT MASK, £49
Lovely product that works well on all skin types, leaving you plump of cheek and dewy of complexion.
MARKLE: GLAMGLOW FLASHMUD BRIGHTENING TREATMENT, £42
Hailing from Hollywood, California but you’d never have guessed from the branding or the appearance.
MIDDLETON: JO LOVES ‘GARDENIA’, £55
A subtle English country garden fragrance. Totally inoffensive but hardly exciting.
MARKLE: DAMSELFLY ‘MY LOVE IS LIKE A CANDLE’, £50
I cannot wait for when series 6 of The Crown goes full Dynasty. I’m holding out for a face slap.