Puffy Old Bags
As I sit at the kitchen table on this, the first day of the New Year, I consider my targets:
-Be happier (easy, the very first thing I did in 2019 was a lip sync of Celine Dions ‘It’s all Coming Back to me Now’ for an assembled audience, thereby truly honouring the phrase ‘start as you mean to go on’)
-Be healthy (less easy, as being in enough of a state to lip sync vintage Dion with everyone watching tends to lead to waking up wanting to snaffle everything like a hanging little glamourpig. If I know Celine though, she’s in exactly the same state this morning)
-Get rid of those damn eyebags (near impossible)
My under eyes are my curse, no matter how much sleep I get. I cannot imagine what I have done to deserve such puff. It must have been epic levels of arseholery - I think of the stained glass sequence at the beginning of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ where he tells that old woman to piss off and she turns into an Enchantress and that’s how he becomes a Beast. The only possible explanation is I did the same to some old biddy once but on a slightly smaller scale so as to just target my eye area. Maybe I wouldn’t give her a light or something?
Depuffers are what I spend the most money on, which stands to reason as it’s my most problematic area. Every single thing on this list I have bought myself and would recommend. I have left many well known & respected brands off as while their cleansers or moisturisers are undeniably lovely their under eye range just does not work.
It’s horses for courses, of courses. That’s why, in the interest of variety, I asked Claire what she used for hers. Her response was ‘I don’t get em babes’, so after this I’m off to see an old lady about a curse for smug cows.
BEFORE WE START: I should tell you the only thing that has ever totally eradicated puffy eye bags long term is when I went vegan. This is not a vegan trap, or propaganda. I’m afraid it’s the truth.
That said, in we go:
PATCHOLOGY FLASHPATCH REJUVENATING EYE GELS, £45
Small ectoplasm crescents you stick under your eyes for 5 minutes after your skincare routine. I don’t use them every day but always before going out or doing something important. I keep them in the fridge for extra cooling, and if I’ve managed not to eat them during the weekly 4am drunken fridge raid so can you.
SKYN ICELAND HYDRO COOL FIRMING EYE GELS, £25
More expensive version of the above, but comes with a feeling of your skin being tautened and I do so love it when you can feel a product working hard. I trust them because I’m yet to meet an Icelandic person with eye bags. It’s like I always say - ‘Look at Bjork’.
THE ORDINARY CAFFEINE SOLUTION, £6
I’d go as far as saying I’ve never come across better value for money as with this product. I use it every evening, so that the very expensive one I use in the morning lasts longer.
SISLEY EYE & LIP CONTOUR BALM, £81
This is the one I use in the morning. I actually didn’t know it was for lips as well but I’ve got Carmex for that, no way am I using my £80 product to sort them out. Full breakdown of this on the reviews page.
DRUNK ELEPHANT SHABA COMPLEX EYE SERUM, £54
Drunk Elephant is the current IT brand, though it sounds a bit like what a bar in India would be called in ‘The Simpsons’. It’s also rather fun to read the full title of this product out loud with the Peter Kay ‘Shaba!’.
KIEHLS CREAMY EYE TREATMENT WITH AVOCADO, £26
Not entirely sure what the branding team was smoking with this one, the words ‘creamy’ and ‘eye’ frankly appearing far closer together than they ever should be. There’s something quite ‘I’m down with the kids!’ about pushing the avocado thing so much, especially since avocados are now just the accepted norm and not half as avant garde as when this product was released. It’s a bit like when you went back for Christmas and your mum tried to connect with you by talking about this brilliant new artist ‘Adele’.
SISLEY SUPREMYA YEUX NIGHT ANTI-AGEING EYE SERUM, £166.50 (usually £185)
What I would use all the time if I could afford it. A game changer. The only thing that comes close is Chantecaille’s Gold Energising Eye Recovery Masks (why is everything gold? It’s all very Shirley Bassey in the luxury eye product game) which are brilliant but the same price as Sisley and you only get 8. Sisley wins on long term value for money.
THE BODY SHOP COOLING GEL EYE MASK, £6
Brilliant post night out. I am currently wearing it round my head like Rambo, it’s making the hangover bearable.